If – Since

If I could die tonight
I wouldn’t have to worry about tomorrow
I wouldn’t have to remember yesterday
Or live through anymore todays

If I could die tonight
No one would remember my name
after a generation or two
No one would mourn for long, not even you

If I could die tonight
I could escape being human —
always wanting to have and be
Something more than what I have and am
(or something other than what I’ve been)

If I could die tonight
I could join the stream of time
Maybe sleep a dreamless sleep
(My dream is not to exist)

But if I could die tonight
Would I reach the other side
Or find myself in a dimension
of endless pain and regret?

Since I can’t die tonight
because someone won’t let me
though the world would be better off
if it could just plain forget me

Guess I have to keep trying
and pretending and lying
Paste on a smile
Even when I’d rather be crying

Act like I care
when I know that I don’t
Act like I’m here
when inside I’m long gone

Maybe life will surprise me
though I think it unlikely
a second wind will arise
to make me more sprightly

Life’s just a bitch
Nobody will deny it
If there’s a way to kill your spirit,
She’ll find it and try it!

So stuck here I am
in this asylum of man,
impatiently yearning
for my sentence to end.


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